Will You?

 

There’s a war raging all around us. It’s the war of competition, of doubting ourselves, of an “I’m not good enough” attitude. It’s a war that pits sister against sister and friend against friend. It’s the war that draws out the defensiveness in women around the world and causes our insecurities to rear their ugly heads.

It’s the war of motherhood.

For some strange reason, us women feel like we need to prove our motherhood by making ourselves look good and flaunting the choices that we have made that make us better moms (I can embarrassingly admit I have done this before). Choices like being a stay-at-home mom versus a working mom, a breastfeeding mom vs. a bottle feeding mom, a whole-foods mom vs. a junk food mom, a homeschooling mom vs. a public school mom, a mom who vaccinated vs. a mom who doesn’t. The list goes on…and on…and on. The internet has only compounded this issue by allowing us to sit behind the safety of our computer screens all while drawing our weapons out towards a faceless and nameless “enemy.”

Let’s just stop it. Let’s just admit our failures and encourage each other in the things that really matter. I’ll start.

I can be very lazy. I do not get up before my kids. My children watch TV for an hour or two a day. I’m not very “green”. I don’t always fix the most nutritious meals–Our kids eat their fair share of junk food. I don’t homeschool in the traditional sense (although I feel that EVERY parent is their child’s FIRST teacher). I breastfed  both of my kids for a while, although I absolutely hated it at first. I vaccinate my children. I am a worry wart. I worry about my kids all. the. time.  I hover, I swoop in and save, and I often parent out of fear. I yell at my kids on occasion. I try desperately every day to keep my cool, even in the most stressful of situations. But the honest truth is that I mess up…daily hourly.

Am I a bad mom in your mind? Are you going to stop reading this blog because you disagree with some of my choices in the mothering department? Are you going to blast me in the comments because I haven’t made the same choices as you? That’s your prerogative, of course. But I think we have a lot to learn from one another if we can put aside our minor differences and see each other for who we are:  mothers who love their children with every fiber of our being and are doing our best to raise our kids, even when we fail.

If we openly admit our differences without trying to convince each other the choices we’ve made are superior to the choices that others are making, we can do what we are intended to do:  Spur one another on.

With all this said, there is one area I won’t back down on. I may fail in every other area of mothering, but there is one area that I will refuse to give up on until they lower me into the ground:  I want my children to know and love our God. In the whole scheme of things, nothing else matters. Nothing.

I want my children to be in Heaven. With every breath I breath, this is my heart’s desire. Not only do I want my children in Heaven, I want them to make a difference in the lives of others while here on Earth. I want their love for God to bubble over on all the people around them.

So despite the fact that I fail in so many areas of mothering, I will not fail at this one. This doesn’t mean I won’t make HUGE mistakes in this department and it certainly doesn’t mean that I can force my kids to love God or that they will never turn away from Him by their own free will. It does mean, however, that I will never. stop. trying.  I will do everything in my power to draw my children close to God. And when I fail at that (which I will inevitably do), I will depend on God to pick up the pieces of my monumental failures and reveal Himself to my children in a way that only He can.

I speak for every mother, every sister, and every friend in the following words…

Will you help me? Will you forget about all the choices I make that are different than yours and love me anyway? And will you love me enough to not leave me where I am–to encourage me to be better?  Not in the small decisions of mothering, but in the one BIG one…the one that matters? Will you spur me on in trying to show my kids the love of God???

 

 

40 Comments

  1. Thank you so much for this post. I love and respect you, and even more now. You are an amazing mom, and I appreciate you sharing your life with me. I am appalled at the way we treat each other. I think the interenet has given people permission to be hateful and ugly. For as you say, they are able to “draw their arrows”. I very often get disillusioned with blogs because they are so “perfect”, we really don’t see the truth. It was very refreshing to see your truth. Why? it was like my own.

    I have learned that when others “shoot arrows” it is because they are reminded of their own faults, and get defensive. Keep it going, you are doing great.

  2. Totally agree with you! Thanks for saying it! I vaccinated my kids, had 3 c-sections, and we eat at McDonalds more than we should. I do however pray over them every second, ask God to help me show him His love and do everything in my power to instill the word of God deep into their little hearts. I feel like a complete failure most of the time but in my weakness He shows up. So while my kids eat pop-tarts from a box (gasp!) we will sing our memory verse and I will pray for the Lord’s help and guidance for this day! Thanks again for the encouragement!

  3. Well, my comment will soon be at the bottom of the pile but, for me, I don’t think the “success” of parenting is a matter of individual choices. I think that mothers put such a great weight of responsibility on our shoulders that each and every small decision will make such a big impact on the children we raise. Bottle or boob, cloth or disposable simply doesn’t matter.

    We are not giving our children enough credit. They are very resilient and are fine in a variety of situations. They will grow and thrive and succeed if we love them, if we support them, if we respect them and listen. Children will grow up secure and happy if they know that their parent(s) is there for them to fall back on if they need something. That we “have their backs” so to speak. Different ages and stages require different supports but ultimatelyhow long you breastfed, how much tv, the quality of snacks, etc does not matter in the grand scheme of mothering. It really doesn’t matter at all……

  4. Oh Jenae – this is a beautiful post! Girl…you “get it” and it blesses this mom heart more than you can imagine that you are sharing what God reveals to you boldly! We are their first teacher and to teach you must build relationship – isn’t that what Jesus ALWAYS did. He always stopped for people, spoke into their lives and pointed them towards His Father. As moms that is our main goal. Period. The maddening thing…you have to do it over and over and over and over…with a joyful attitude, only He can inspire that kind of joy in the midst of such an all consuming role that requires constant self-sacrifice! We can do this moms…together…one encouraging comment and lifted up prayer at a time! Big Hugs!!!

  5. This is well written, and straight from the heart. You echo what every single mother thinks and feels on a daily basis. “All the other mothers are better than me, and I am a failure” but in reality, we’re all feeling the way you do! Thank you for sharing your heart, and I will pray for your family during my quiet time. After reading your blog, I feel as if I know you and we’re friends, so it’s the least I can do for a friend to pray for her as she raises up her family. Thank you for sharing your heart with us readers, always, and for being honest. That is why I keep on reading your blog! It’s always honest and straight forward. Thank you!!!

  6. Yes! Yes! We all just need to relax and cling to the one thing that really matters….Jesus. All the rest will fall into place.

  7. Great post! I agree 100%! Thank you so much for sharing. In light of eternity, that is the ONE thing that matters! And I think you are a GREAT mom! :)

  8. Thank you Jenae for this post. The Lord is really using you to bless me. I admire you, and I join you in the great cause of raising warriors for Christ.

  9. Thank you for this post! God’s timing always amazes me and I needed to read this so badly today! I really like Sarah’s comment about praying for other moms. I don’t do this enough and that’s changing today. I plan on making a list of all the moms who comment on this and praying daily for each of you. God bless us all as we strive to be better moms and daily teach and live out our Christian values.

  10. I love this, Jenae! You are like the 4th person to post about this same topic of competition/comparison in the last few weeks (myself included). I think it must be something that God wants to say to us: that He made us US. And He loves us just how we are. None of us are perfect, none of us do it all.

    It’s just what you said–we need to put those silly differences aside and focus on the best thing: leading our kids to Jesus! Thank you for spurring me on, girlfriend!

    a

  11. The other day you asked about why we ready your blog over others…this is it! You are a women, a mom, who shares my challenges and hearts desire. Thank you for your honesty, it sounds a lot like me & I know we are not alone. Keep up the great work & blogging. I’m going to keep reading & wishing we were friends. =)

  12. Amen! Thank you for sharing this and for sharing your heart! LOVE this post and LOVE your blog! Keep it up! :-)

  13. I’m not sure if I have commented on your blog before, but I TOTALY agree with you. Stand united on the things in life that truly matter. Amen.

  14. Thank you so much for having the courage to write this post, Jenae. It was such a blessing to me as a mom to read this today. It is hard for me to write this, but I was one of the women who you wrote about in the article. When I read about you sending your son to preschool last year, I was mad. I was disappointed, and thought you were a hypocrite for creating a blog about teaching your children, and then sending your son off to preschool. And I didn’t follow your blog for a while. Then, I checked it again about 8-9 months later. And I remembered why I came here in the first place. To be inspired. To learn how to have more fun with my kids without the TV. To learn how to teach my children. To laugh at funny pictures and watch your kids grow up. To see your successes and your failures and to be reminded how alike we really are, as I saw in your post today. How VERY ALIKE we are – vaccines, junk food and all! :-) May God bless you abundantly in your faith walk, your marriage, and in your parenting, Janae! You are Loved!!!

    1. Thank you so much for your honesty, Kathy! And thanks for giving this little space a second try even after I disappointed you! Your sincere words meant so much. Thanks!

  15. Yes! Be REAL so others are free to be REAL too!!! My Dad was NOT a perfect parent, but he was always honest with me when he screwed up. He apologized and asked my forgiveness. Ya know what? I respected him more for screwing up and admitting it than for trying to “be perfect”. Even as a kid, I knew I sure wasn’t and his imperfections showed me I was not alone in being full of faults AND God still loved me and would forgive me. I try to live that way with my kids too – trying to let GOD use me being ME. Thanks for sharing this!

  16. Thank You so much for this post! It’s so refreshing to read this kind of honest, real post. As women and mothers we are often way too hard on ourselves and others and all it does is hurt us.

  17. I think the key here is that you are referring to mothers who are trying to do their very best. One cannot argue or condemn someone who is making the effort. If anything, I applaud those parents who go the extra mile beyond what their circumstances allow, in order to do and offer their best to their kids.

    However, in dealing with sinful human nature, there is a subset of the population who doesn’t do their very best for their kids. These people allow their love of self to supercede or compromise their love for their children, and that is not okay. It is *never* okay when someone’s choices have a harmful effect on their kids, and I most certainly will wage war on such decisions. My interest is the welfare of children first. Always.

    An hour of TV on occasion doesn’t hurt anyone, but a 2-3 hour nightly routine of TV, particularly unattended by parents and not limited to family-friendly TV, does nothing to encourage babes to think on that which is pure, right, noble or admirable (Phil. 4:8).

    Some junk food every once in a while won’t hurt a child, but a regular diet of soda and french fries most definitely will. That is not responsible parenting, and it isn’t doing one’s best or being a faithful steward of the responsibility that God has entrusted every parent with: the care and raising of His image-bearers.

    The choice to discipline through spanking is no more right or wrong than the one to use “time-outs,” provided that both are used judiciously and out of a place of love. However, when a child is so accustomed to being spanked that he/she will ask for the nightly spanking so that he/she can go to bed? That’s sin, that’s wrong, and that is inexcusable parenting. Yes, I actually know of people who claim to know Christ, and who do this.

    So, despite perhaps being the lone contrarian in your comments section, I will not (in answer to your question). I will absolutely spur other mommas on to be more loving, to be more like Jesus, and to be encouragers and models of Christ to their children; I am called to love my neighbour, right? I will not, however, sit back and allow children to be harmed by their parents’ piss-poor, selfish choices without getting involved and waging war on the sin that so easily entangles (Hebr. 12:1). My calling is also to defend the weak and the fatherless (Ps. 82:3, James 1:27), and I am fiercely passionate about defending the rights of children to have the best possible care. If that means I have to wage war against some people and offend a few in the process, or if I have to call out sin, I do so with no regret and am quite certain that when I stand before my Maker to give an account, I will not be ashamed.

    1. I guess if someone is coming to my site with a name like it is “I Can Teach My Child”, I assume (rightly or wrongly) that they care immensely about their child, enough to want to be the very best parent they can be. This post is certainly not to excuse all of our failures as parents, rather to encourage us to do better and draw our children closer to Him. This post was not written for the woman I heard about on the news the other night who left her kids as the playground in the mall and went and smoked meth. This post was written for THIS community of women, who try desperately but still get it wrong sometimes.

      I think you are absolutely right in the examples you gave (waging war on sin and defending the weak of the fatherless), but I still think you need to consider the community of women we are talking about.

    2. You are right there are people who do not do the best for their children for whatever reasons, be them selfish or just unknowing. The point of this post though is how we as moms treat each other. I work with families everyday who make a gazillion choices that I would never dream of making. I believe in making sure children are eating well also. I’m going to inform moms on how to make nutritious meals, but I’m not going to make them feel bad for having a supply of twinkies and ho hos in the house. They need to come to that realization themselves, not have it shoved down their throat that they are horrible for giving the kid a piece of candy or a full bag of chips. Some of the reasoning for choices may not be a sinful choice or laziness, but misinformation. Some moms have no idea they have to set a bed-time for children or they need to eat more than hot dogs everyday. This does not make them evil, just needing information.

      Point being, no one should ever be made to feel horrible for the choices they have made for seemingly small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. I understand the scriptures you are quoting, but we are also called to love one another, which is exactly what Janae is calling us to do.

    3. @Jenae – if your post was exclusively referring to women who read your blog only, then I agree that these ladies probably do only have their children’s best interests at heart. I am not referring to your readership alone, however; my comment reflects my general attitude towards all mothers who claim to be Christians and yet make decisions that are harmful to their kids. For every example I cited, there are specific church-going people I know who have (and continue to) commit these sort of acts in light of information that suggests that these actions are not the best practice for their kids. I would never hold someone accountable to a Biblical standard if they do not profess to know Jesus (e.g. the meth-addicted woman you referred to); that would be unfair since their frame of reference is not the same as mine. However, if as believers we cannot (or do not) hold one another accountable for sin and speak Truth into each other’s life, we also sin and we do a great disservice to the body of Christ and to the children who are damaged in the process.

      @Carrie – My comment refers specifically to people who habitually feed their children junk food and make their TV a pseudo-parent in the home. I am not referring to an occasional Pop Tart or indulging in an episode of Caillou every couple of days! And perhaps we do have that responsibility to educate the misinformed. Whether they feel bad about it is their call; I don’t condemn them as people but I most certainly will speak out against actions that harm their children just as much as I expect someone to speak out if I should ever act in a way that will hurt my child.

      When we are called to love one another, we are also called to speak Truth into each other’s lives and hold one another accountable to the standard set out Biblically. Love does not mean laissez-faire and it does not mean allowing sin to continue. The apostle Paul does not love without also insisting that the churches that he ministered to, turn away from their evil deeds and repent and change. Love that does not help correct sin is not love at all! Do I advocate coming down hard on, and berating and ostracizing someone whose actions are sinful or hurtful to their progeny? No. Will I stand aside and hope that someone “figures it out” eventually without hurting their kids too much? Absolutely not. The inaction that many believers take in the name of “love” or “grace” is neither loving nor gracious, but hurts the entire body of believers, particularly the most vulnerable members. And frankly, at the end of days this lukewarm behaviour will not be judged well (Rev. 3:16).

      1. I guess my point in this post is that the things I mentioned (not homeschooling, vaccinating, indulging in a little too much TV every now and then, and the occasional junk food treat) are NOT sin. Laziness, perhaps? But not sin. Sin is anything that separates us from God. I know the occasional McDonald’s Happy Meal isn’t all that great for my kids, but I am not separating myself from God when I give it to them. The point that I was making with all of the above mentions is that they pale in comparison to making our relationship with God our TOP priority. When we make everything else on the same scale as that, we are minimizing the importance of our relationship with God.

        I am informed about all of the things that I shouldn’t be doing as a mom (junk food, TV, etc) but yet I continue to do them occasionally. Am I sinning? Absolutely not! Am I being lazy and/or avoiding a power struggle because its the 15th one I’ve had today? Yes.

        I think we do need to speak truth into each others lives, but I think we need to be careful about what we call “Truth” and not our own personal perceptions (which Paul fiercely warned about in 1 Corinthians 9). I don’t think the problem is a lack of information–I think it is quite the opposite! We are constantly being bombarded with things that tell us what we need to do to be a good mother–instead of just focusing on the one thing that Jesus tells us how to live: Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, soul, and mind…and love your neighbor as yourself (Matt. 22:37-40)

        1. Exactly Janae… I think some think they are speaking the almighty truth when they say moms should/shouldn’t [fill in the blank] when many of the things you reference in your post are a matter of beliefs. My children do watch TV daily and it could be 1-2 hours per day. I am almost always well aware of what they are watching and we have discussions about them as well. They also have learned what my preferences for the shows they watch (such as Sponge Bob is banned from our house,) They are allowed to watch x-men, Spiderman and shows of the like, but they also know these are fiction. They also know and love God as well.

          Yes we inform and/or educate but it’s all in how we do so. Is it in a condemning way that “you and your children are going to hell for not being vaccinated.” (my children are not vaccinated by the way by my choice). This is what starts the mommy-wars. Or is it friendly mom-to-mom information about the risk and benefits or such behaviors. As I said below I’m tired of having to justify why I work and that I’m not less of a mom because I’m not at home with my kids everyday. If I didn’t that would be more sinful as we wouldn’t have a house to live in.

        2. Hrm. I think that in some of this we are agreeing (e.g. it is of utmost importance, and the greatest commandments, that our kids learn to love God and others) on the same thing but in other ways, I am pretty sure we will need to agree to disagree. Of course there is no inherent goodness or evil to breastfeeding vs. bottle-feeding, vaccinating vs. not, or homeschooling vs. formal education in a classroom. I am not contending against these. One method is not better than another, and it won’t matter in eternity.

          My point, however, is that not all mothers do their best and sometimes, in extreme cases, we do the body of Christ a disservice when we choose to remain silent out of a desire to be tolerant and “loving,” when gentle rebuke and correction might be the better course of action in those cases. We are talking about mothers who willfully put themselves first and make choices for their children based on something other than their child’s best interest. We are talking about parents who do this continuously, deliberately, and with little or no regard for their kids’ welfare.

          Sin separates us from God, but the definition of sin is perhaps a bit more specific than what you have stated (though that is a debate for another time/place – Mark Driscoll has a great explanation of it in his book Doctrine). I do believe the Bible warns against laziness (because it is sin – Proverbs, Matt. 25:25) and also selfishness, and I continue to contend against parents who allegedly want to teach their children to love Jesus above all, but through their actions model a primary love of self instead. As you know, children model what they see, not what they hear.

          My goal is not division any more than yours is, but sometimes I feel as though people would rather be politically-correct by worldly standards, adopting some philosophy of relativism, than be salt and light and change-makers for the glory of God. Like you, I’m just trying to make sure that when I stand before Jesus, I can give an account and not be ashamed of the fact that I remained silent when He called me to speak. Which is why I speak up.

          1. IF we make our relationship with God our first priority, God will work on the selfishness and pride in our hearts. EVEN STILL, our decisions for parenting OUR children (even when we are at our best–unselfish) will not look the same as yours.

          2. Thank you for watching out for and advocating for children. I can tell you are very passionate about them. In your first paragraph in the last response you capture the point of Janae’s post. Moms fight over things that in the grand scheme of things, don’t matter. I am cautious about “preaching” to others as 1) I wouldn’t want it done to me, and 2) I don’t know the background and context sometimes for the “problematic” behavior.

            You are right there are many who continuously don’t do right by their children and that factor makes up many of the sad stories of abuse, neglect, obesity, learning difficulties etc… As I stated at one point, I work with moms all the time who make bad choices for themselves and their children. Here is where we disagree… I don’t believe it is our place to discipline these people, but treat them with respect and inform them what their decisions are doing to their children. There are ways to get people to change their behavior without being disrespectful and/or condemning. There is only One judge that matters.

            @Janae… I will

  18. Thank you for this beautiful post, and this lovely community you have created for all of us. Each day I am uplifted, inspired, and encouraged by you.

  19. I agree we mom’s need to sick together. My choices may not be the same as someone else and vice versa. But we all are doing the best we can. It’s scary being a mom. You love your children with every cell in your body. we want them safe, healthy, happy and well mannered. It just makes it even harder to make choices when you’re always netting judged for your decisions. I applaud this post!

  20. I like the inspiration that you offer. I am currently trying to get myself together in order to make it possible to school at home my children (one step a time – it may change later) and while I love reading all the blogs for ideas and perspectives and support, I do find myself thinking – I can never do all of this, I don’t have the patience for this, I am not creative enough, why couldn’t I have thought of that, where will I find the time when I work, I am not good enough, I will fail my children, I will hear I told you so… And posts like yours make me realize that while we all strive for perfection we also must learn to be comfortable with who we are, and to overcome those bumps in the roads and get back in the game. I adore my children and want the best for them – and that’s what matters, and them seeing the imperfections of life and still loving life is very important.

  21. Yours and my descriptions could almost be identical. Have I made a few different decisions… yes of course. Do I berate other moms who do not make the same decisions… no. That’s not my place. I will try to give others a perspective in my choices, but accept theirs as well. I’m tired of feeling guilty about working AND hearing about how much easier I must have it since I’m not stuck at home with my kids. I’d give anything to be and still live in a house and have food. Do I give other moms information about my choices? yes as I believe in them. Do I berate them for not making the same choices as me? no. I do what’s best for my family, you do what’s best for your family. Are my children going to suffer immensely from watching TV more than they should? No… Sometimes it’s what needs to happen.

    So thank you for the post. Those of us who are trying to do their best with what they have (material and beliefs) really just need to encourage each other.

  22. Love this post. We differ on some of our parenting choices, but I 100% agree on what is most important. Thanks for blogging!

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