Open Arms Series: Persevering through the Adoption Process

Guest Post by Tiffany

Hi! I’m Tiffany, and I’ve known the lovely author of I Can Teach My Child since she was a little girl! Watching her grow, get married and be a wonderful Mom is such a joy (plus, I learn a lot from her blog). Jenae offered the opportunity to add the topic of Adoption to her blog and I am thrilled to share our story.

My husband and I always considered adoption because I was diagnosed with endometriosis at the age of 21. My second surgery was a few years later and while we tried getting pregnant “on our own” and with fertility treatments, it just didn’t work. We took a year off, saved money and re-grouped.

Unfortunately, the journey to parenthood isn’t easy for everyone so please, don’t ever utter the words, “Oh, you can just adopt,” because there’s no “just” in adopting. A homestudy and creation of a portfolio are the first steps. I recommend selecting a social worker familiar with adoption that you like and trust for guidance. The application for the homestudy includes a lot of personal questions about who you are, why you want to adopt and what kind of child you’re looking for (ethnicity, open/semi-open/closed adoption, abilities and disabilities). FBI fingerprints and background checks are also required and take the most time. Finally, reference letters from family and friends are added to the packet and stamped with a notary’s seal. Then, a family is considered Paperwork Pregnant!

According to Adoptive Families Magazine, the average waiting time for a US (domestic) adoption is 18 months. Families can choose to adopt through foster care, private adoption with a birth family and an attorney only or an agency adoption.

We tried private adoption and had two matches fall through. We tried agency adoption and had two more matches fall through. Finally, we renewed our homestudy as required by our current state and found a new agency. They were phenomenal and treated us very well. They matched us with a potential birth mother and long story short, we were given the biggest gift in the world, our little girl! We had one more social work homestudy post-placement visit, attended a brief court meeting and her adoption was finalized September 24, 2009!

On a very personal note, we were incredibly discouraged after our four matches fell through, (the national fall through rate is much less). We cried, we prayed, we struggled through five years of trying to be parents and waited and waited for the perfect child for our family. Our daughter coincidentally, looks like my husband, she talks as much as I do, and she has an entertaining personality. Smart and funny, now two years later, we can’t imagine our lives without her. On our darkest days, I prayed, “Dear God, please! Find us our child, the one only you can hand pick for our family, please bless the possible birth mother out there struggling with her decision and please make us patient enough to wait as long as it takes!” I prayed that countless times a day, believe me!

Our family and friends were encouraging too, the best present we got was a book called We Belong Together:  A Book About Adoption and Families by Todd Parr. Some dear friends gave it to us for Easter 2008 before we were even matched. I love reading it to our daughter and she always reads the note my friend Crystal wrote.

 

To anyone wanting to be a parent, I encourage you to consider adoption. There are amazing children in the US and around the world waiting for a family. There’s a well known quote in the adoption world, “However motherhood comes to you, it’s a miracle,” and that’s the truth! Best wishes to all!

Please see the following references for more information:

Tiffany is a Mom to a sweet 2-year old girl and has been married for 7 years to her very funny husband. She works as a physician educator and has a passion for adoption. Tiffany and her family are looking forward to celebrating their 2nd Famiversary (the anniversary of our daughter’s adoption finalization) in September.

27 Comments

  1. How sweet, so glad you got your happy ending :) And YES your daughter does favor your husband – so very sweet

  2. LOVE this story. We adopted our two boys and hope to adopt again in the next year or so to bring home a baby girl. I can totally relate to the “just” adopt idea. While adoption is the most wonderful blessing we have ever known, we had to get there on our own terms. There came a time when we realized we wanted a family more so than wanting to be pregnant.

    1. Thanks Kate! Congratulations on your adoptions and best wishes as you move towards your next adoption! I agree, there’s a big difference in wanting a family and wanting to be pregnant. Best wishes!!!

  3. Thank you for adding this post in to your blog Jenae. Tiffany, thanks for writing it. I worked for a long time in what I consider to be a ‘bent but not yet broken’ world of foster kids many who were eligible for adoption without families to adopt them. The number one reason we heard, was that it is so difficult to adopt in this country. Seems so horrible that it’s better to allow a child to sit in a foster home than to revamp our laws to allow better placements.

    I know that your story is different, as it is an infant adoption, but the laws all affect the whole adoption system. I’m also a mom who backed out of a planned adoption. Tiffany and family, I hope you know that being the birth mom in a failed adoption isn’t really easier. I know my decision to keep my son was the right one, but I also know it caused pain for his potential parents. I just hold very strong to the truth that there is a plan that we can’t always see, and 21 years after that. I can firmly say I can’t see it any other way.

    Many blessings!

    1. Nic, You’re right too, adoption is hard in the US. We did try to do a state adoption and the child went to another family. I have not idea how to fix the system, but I feel like we should continue to raise awareness about adoption and support birthfamilies as well as adoptive families. Best wishes!

  4. What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your story. We, too, adopted through a private agency, domestic newborn adoption. Our daughter was born in January of 2007. From start to finish, our wait was 17 months. We are older parents, so the wait and hearing we were being considered but rejected by birthmoms (knowing it was likely our age that made their decision) several times, it was an excruciating wait. I finally prayed to God that we not hear that someone was considering us. I only wanted a phone call that a birthmom wanted to meet us. And, that was the next phone call we received from our social worker – that there was a birthmother who wanted to meet us. and she pretty much chose us during that meeting. She was only 5 months along, so it was still a long wait and a lot of giving up worry to God, but everything worked according to HIS plan, not ours. And until people find out our daughter is adopted, no one makes that assumption, as she is the perfect blend of my husband and myself. Even her birthmother was surprised that she looked nothing like her, at birth, but so much like us. Every moment since our daughter’s birth has been more than I could’ve ever imagined. Thank you, again, for sharing YOUR story. It’s such a blessing to read others’ stories!

    1. Now Sherry! You’re going to make me cry! Yes, we prayed to NOT get called with another mis-match as well. I think we had 12 potential situations we were told about, 5 total matches and 22 months of waiting total for our process. You are absolutely right, it’s all in God’s timing and not ours. It’s pretty humbling to say the least! Thanks for your comment and I agree, I enjoy reading other families’ stories too! Best wishes!

  5. Our adoption finalization photo was taken in the same courtroom!!! :) :) Thank you for sharing this story!! We waited over 2 years for our son, and, like you, know now why we had the bumpy road… we were waiting for HIM – the little guy that God picked out for us! We are so thankful that Someone was guiding our process!! :) Thanks again!

    1. Erin! That’s so funny! Yes, the finalization was a blurr and we got that picture. My husband went back to work and our daughter and I pretty much went home and stared at each other, ha! I think that’s why our Famiversary is so important to us now. Congratulations on your adoption and thanks for your comment!

  6. Thanks for sharing your story! Yesterday we celebrated the third anniversary of our son’s Forever Family Day- We let him choose what to do each year and he chose a Lemonade Stand Party with his friends, it was so much fun. We waited 18 months to be matched, but we knew from the moment we found out (a week before he was born) that he was supposed to be our son. We have a great relationship with, and have extended our family as we welcomed his birth family into our family. Thank you for explaining simply to the people who think you can always “;just adopt” and stating the waiting time of 18 months. Many people in the non-adoptive community don’t understand that it may take time, but eventually the right family unit is put together. Thanks again for sharing your story!

    1. Elizabeth, Happy Family Day/Famiversary to you! Our story was obviously much longer than this, but I absolutely wanted to raise some awareness about supporting adoptive families and waiting families. I wish we could all “just adopt” but as it’s more complicated than that, reassurance and support from friends and family goes a long way. Best wishes!

  7. I am an adoptee who is adopting. I love this post. I love this addition to your blog.

    My heart breaks for those in the process, as we watch God’s plan work out. I’m sad about your failed adoptions, but so thankful for the little beauty in your arms – proof that God does work things out in His very own time.

    I can’t wait to see more on this topic! Thanks!

    1. Jos! Best wishes in your adoption journey. I love this addition to Jenae’s blog too! Yes, God absolutely works things out in his own time. My friend’s Mom was told by a very wise woman once, “You are given the soul you’re intended to parent, regardless of how that child comes to your family.” I totally agree. Best wishes!

  8. What a little sweetie pie! You just want to love on her! :)

    Thank you so much for this series of posts! I felt the Lord lay adoption on my heart some years ago but never felt the push to go forward with anything. I never even told my husband then a year or so ago he said almost out of nowhere that he would love for us to consider adopting one day. Wow! These posts have definitely reminded me to return to prayer about it!

    1. Thanks Priscila! I was reading in an adoptive parenting book once and it said that the first 6 months of a child’s life are all about nature, eat, sleep, etc. and the second 6 months of a child’s life are all about nurture, then, at the end of the 1st year, their personalities are “set”. I was hopeful Sophia would pick up some of our mannerisims, but I’m still amazed at HOW MUCH she has picked up. Yes, we’re blessed! Thanks!

  9. This all brings back so many memories for me. All the prayers, phone calls and disappointments. I will never forget the day we got the phone call about Miss Sophia. I knew God would answer our prayers and send you and angel and he did. We all love her so much. I am just so glad you had people to talk to from your forums…that seemed to help you a lot.

    1. Crystal, No kidding! It was a rollercoaster ride absolutely. Friends and family supporting us made all of the difference. THANKS! LUL!

  10. Hi I just seen this and was in aww about it, I gave my oldest baby up for adoption and she ended up with a great family, and to see a story like this is so amazing to see. congratulations and thank you for stepping up and being a mama to a very special little girl.

    1. Just a mama? I’d like to say, “There’s no JUST in Mama!” :) Thank you for your note, from the bottom of my heart! Birthmothers should be celebrated so much, and we celebrate our daughter’s birthmother the Saturday before Mother’s Day each year, which is Birthmother’s Day. Our friend even made super cute cards for us since Hallmark doesn’t have any (oh, I sent a nasty email to them on that one, believe me! There’s thousands of adoptions each year in the US and there’s NOTHING for birthmother’s day? Come on!). Anyway, thank you for sharing, and bless your heart.

  11. Congratulations on your little girl! I am an adoptee and an adoptive mom (and we have biological children too). Adoption is a great way to become a family. Anyone considering it needs to make sure that, if you have, or will have, biological children in the future, you will accept those children in the same manner as your adopted children i.e. none of the kids are more “really yours” than others. Adoptive parents also need to understand that adopted children will want to know their biological families and this is right and proper.

    You sound like a great family and I pray that God will bring more chidren your way either through pregnancy or adoption!

    1. Lynda, Thank you so very much. Yes, children do want to know their biological families and we have an open adoption with our daughter’s birthmother. Yes, our daughter is “REALLY OURS” and there always could be more education done to the general public on this fact. My friends with multi-racial families are constantly battling this one. Everyone has an opinion! THANKS!Yes, adoption is special in that, not every Mom and Dad can hold a precious child, not knowing if they’ll be allowed to keep them, all the while loving them with their whole soul. We waited 24 hours before the adoption papers were signed and it was the longest 24 hours of our lives! Thanks!

  12. I am very happy that you have a precious baby girl!! We have had 8 adoptions fall through we are trying it for the 9th time. This baby is due in March. We are praying God works it all out!

    1. Rebecca M. – 8?! 8!!!!!!!! Bless your heart! You should have written this article! Can I just say, I have been there, Sister! Keep praying, keep trying to be patient. Two pieces of advice: “That Sucks” and “God knows”. That Sucks! was the response of our sweet gradeschool neighbor girl when we told her that we didn’t get our 4th match. Amazingly, those were the most comforting words we got all week! God knows was the one thing I held on to the most. God wouldn’t put it in our hearts to be parents, if he wasn’t going to show us the way to our child. I really believe that. Looking back over our 22 months we were in the adoption process, my husband and I agree that we were used as tools to help other people make decisions in each match that fell through. Then, we were finally the family that our daughter’s birthmother picked to match with and it was our turn. Prayers to you for this hopeful 9th match!!!!

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