Who Am I?

As I reflect on the last 4 1/2 years of my journey as a mother, I have come to a startling conclusion:  I have changed SO much! Many of these changes are positive. I have learned how to love deeper and more abundantly than I ever thought possible. I have learned to rely on God each and every day. I have felt my heart nearly burst from the love and pride I have for my little family. Although many, many of these changes have been positive, some have left me questioning, “Who am I?”

I thought I knew who I was prior to having kids. Of course, I was a Christian. I loved God and wanted to serve Him. I was a wife, completely and madly in love with my husband. I will always cherish the years we had together prior to becoming parents. I was a teacher and gained confidence in myself by my ability to love on and teach the twenty-something 6-year olds God placed in my classroom each and every year. I was an outgoing lover of people. I didn’t shy away in a group of people like I sometimes do now. I was a church-goer, participated in Bible studies, and volunteered for VBS and other children’s ministry opportunities before having kids of our own.

All-in-all, I thought I was doing pretty well for myself.

And then I became a mother.

Although my heart nearly burst from loving these children of mine so much, I was also left feeling completely inadequate after the birth of my second child…a feeling I don’t think I’ve ever felt so strongly before in my life.

With 2 children 22-months apart, I have frequently felt impatient, exasperated, and just plain grouchy. Throw in the overwhelming sense of guilt for wanting a break every now and then and knowing I’m not doing it all “right”…and it is enough to crush my spirit.

It is then that I wonder…where is the fun-loving, thoughtful, outgoing person that I used to be? Instead, I have been replaced with a selfish introvert who can’t make it through a day without wanting to either yell at somebody or cry.

The quote that echoes in my mind is something that has revolutionized the way that I look at all of these “changes” that motherhood has brought to my otherwise-confident self:


‎I thought parenting was going to portray my strengths, never realizing that God had ordained it to reveal my weaknesses.” -Dave Harvey


The thing is:  Becoming a mother has made me feel insignificant and incapable at times. I have never felt weaker than I have in the “low times” sprinkled in the last 4 1/2 years.

But maybe, just maybe, that is the point.

Rather than relying on myself and all the things that I have ordinarily done “right”, I must cling to God. I honestly have no other choice. I get to the end of myself (of my patience, goodness, kindness, and gentleness) and that still won’t cut it. So I MUST look to him to supply me with His patience, His kindness, His gentleness, and His self-control.

God has called me to this point in my life “for such a time as this.” There are little hearts that need loving, little souls that need molding, and little mouths that need feeding. And I MUST answer His call. Not just in who I think I am, but in who God tells me I am…someone who is fully loved, completely redeemed, and able to do ANYTHING through His strength.

I think I would take that person over the girl I used to be any day.


“Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Thou art the Potter, I am the clay.
Mold me and make me after Thy will,
While I am waiting, yielded and still.”




  1. With 2 boys (3 and 2) 16 months apart, this post is totally me!! I try each and every day to be that kind, loving and patient mother. Somedays it just doesn’t happen. I know I need GOD to help me through the days. Thanks!!

  2. Thanks for sharing!!! That question has echoed in my mind so many times throughout my 5 year journey through motherhood also. I have come to the same conclusions, yet it is so nice to hear that others feel the exact same way and also have struggled. :)

  3. This IS my life! I could have written this word for word, but, I as not a believer befor kids.

    My kids are 22 months apart and I want to know where my outgoing personality went!

    I AM weak and I need to cling to Him in all things. Thank you so much for posting this.

  4. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thanks for your transparency. This was an apple of gold in a setting of silver for me today. I have felt just like this (except that I was still a selfish introvert before our kids came home to us, only slightly more subtle about expressing it). Where’d the Dave Harvey quotation come from?

      1. Thanks! I have it and have started it like three times, but our situation with our kids (foster-adopt – AND we’re moving!) means that I start lots of books and never get further than chapter 1 or so. I do plan to read it as soon as we’re settled again. That quotation is gonna stick with me, though, as an encouragement that I should expect to be weak and in need of a strong Savior!

        1. I liked the book, though there were some things that I did not agree with. It definitely made me reevaluate myself and my relationship with God more than anything else! :)

  5. I have been having intense days with my little guy and to read this helped me reflect on where I was before and where I am now. Thank you for an uplifting reflection of how incredible life can change.

  6. I missed part of today’s sermon because I was taking care of one of the “little souls” God placed in my life. But, I did hear the preacher quote the “such a time as this” verse. That verse always strikes me to my core. As does what my dad told me when I was having an intenesly low pregnancy moment. He said, “You are exactly the mother God wants for this child.” With all my shortcomings, I am still the mother God had in mind for my children, and that helps me strive to live up to HIS expectations.

  7. Hang in there, ladies! I have lived through those moments (how did it go by so very, very quickly?) and there is hope for you! Life is good on this side of the fence. We had three kids in four years, and I homeschooled all three all the way through. I had PLENTY of times of yelling, crying, hugging, loving, complaining, punishing, hugging, loving, patching skinned knees, hugging, loving, and mending wounded heart and souls. I still have feelings of inadequacy as I remember how it was, but God is so good to give you selective memory, and He gives your heart a song and a smile for your lips again. I miss our oldest, Daniel, 23, the tender-hearted one, who is in Hungary, serving God as a missionary with Word of Life. I miss Suzi, the tough one, our only girl, 22, who is in her last year of college at Pensacola Christian College, and I missed Mark last year as he went off to Word of Life Bible Institute in the Adirondacks, my hugger and the lastborn. He is home for this year, studying online with Liberty University. (I cry, even as I write this now!) I also, though, have a peace that the Lord loves them more than I do, and HE is the One Who gave them to us, and HE is the One Who will preserve their souls, the One Who moved them along day by day to get to the place of becoming their own persons, loving God for themselves, etc. This is also a great time of life, and I pray for those of you who are knee-deep in your child-rearing. It’s not easy, but it DOES go by so fast, You know it already, don’t you? Continue to foster your relationship with your husbands and don’t leave anything unsaid or undone with your babies, either. God is good and will bring you through. I promise. (The only problem here is that you all are too busy to have read this whole thing, I’m sure!! ) ~Joanna

  8. Thank you! I could cut and paste this into my own personal journal because it is so true in my own heart. I have even had this at the forefront of my thoughts lately. Thank you for being so honest, for sharing your journey and the promise that God has for you and each one of us as His children. It’s been incredible to begin to understand God’s parent heart for us on this journey of motherhood. May you have an extra dose of love and patience today and have a great moment of unexpected laughter with your little ones.

  9. I saw myself in every word you said!!! I have 4 kids, 6 year old, 5 year old (10 months apart), 3 year old and a 14 month old. I often have felt that I wasn’t doing enough or wasn’t doing it in the “right” way!! I Also started homeschooling them which adds to all the mother stress. Thank you soooooo much for your encouraging words!!! I really needed this today and I am book marking this page so I can come back and remind myself that I am not alone and that God knows what he is doing!!!! Honestly glad to know I’m not the only one that on a daily bases wants to either yell or cry :) thanks for sharing your heart with us!

  10. I am so with you! I, too, often wonder where that kind-hearted, thoughtful, and fun person I thought I was went. God has used motherhood to show me how far I have to go — and to really humble me to the point of realizing I can’t do anything on my own.

    We live in His grace. We fall in His grace. We grow in His grace. Peace to you, my friend! I hope we can hang out soon!

  11. We have children the almost the exact same age…my oldest is right 4 1/2 and him and his sister are 28 months apart! I feel you on everything you said and have been having my own form of questions like: Who Am I? God has been revealing the exact same wonderful, yet humbling, things to me. I still sometimes get a Superwoman complex, and then am quickly humbled by the fact that I need Him just to make it through breakfast! Thank you for sharing, and keep up the good fight! In the end, He is our eternal reward and along the way we get sweet moments like: “Mom, I just love you!”

  12. This was so needed today! Thank you. I’ve been on a little journey trying to become a better mother and your site is helping me a lot! I am also a Christian (Mormon) and I’m realizing more and more that I need to rely on God to help with my parenting, and that starts with improving my personal relationship with Him! Thank you, keep these posts coming!

  13. love this post! parenting definitely highlights weaknesses because we don’t have a ton of control anymore. My boys are 18 months apart. There are days I certainly feel like I am failing them, let alone myself. We are good moms though. Otherwise we wouldn’t be self reflecting and aware in this way. TY.

  14. Oh my goodness! Thank you SO MUCH for posting this! My kiddos are 23 months apart and right now I am absolutely ashamed of myself for how impatient I can get. I thought I was just failing and all alone but this post reaffirms for me that NO mother is alone in these feelings, and reminds me that when it gets like that I simply MUST start praying! THANK YOU! Don’t get me wrong – I adore my boys. They are the best blessings I have ever received! But…it’s hard. So thanks for making me feel a little less like a failure.

    Oh, and ksmama? I wrote a blog post that will be up first thing tomorrow morning that is EXACTLY like what your dad said to you! Uncanny timing! Check it out if you need some reaffirmation of that sentiment! http://cradlerockingmama.com

  15. Oh my gosh. This is me! Thank you so much for writing this and for so honestly putting yourself out there. Literally, I could have written this. I used to be outgoing, fun, extroverted, giving…now I just feel blah. Two kids, 24 months apart. It’s TOUGH. Just today I was super crabby and had no idea why. And it drives me crazy whenever I snap at my kids–especially when my “fuse” is shorter than usual. I feel so encouraged by reading this blog post–thank you!!

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