Open Arms Series: Adoption after Infant Loss

*Note from Jenae:  Several weeks ago, I asked if anyone was interested in writing a guest post on adoption on my Facebook page. The response was overwhelming. People e-mailed me to share their stories and others e-mailed to tell me about friends who they thought should share. Instead of one post, I decided to start a series. A new post in the “Open Arms” series will be featured every Tuesday for the next several weeks. Last week’s post was on International Adoption. I hope you enjoy reading these encouraging, life-changing stories!
Guest Post by Stephanie

My name is Stephanie  and I live in a suburb outside of Sacramento, CA with Jerry, my amazing husband of 15 years, and our 5 beautiful children. Our road to a family has not been smooth but filled with curves and bumps. That road led us to build our family through both having a biological child and through adoption.

 

Our journey began as we tried to have a child on our own. Then we went to doctors. Finally onto infertility specialists. As we approached the four-year mark we‘d had enough and were tired of the roller coaster ride. We had talked about adoption when we were first planning a family and decided it was time to learn a little more about it. We took our last fertility treatments it was with a clear heart, knowing we had tried our best for a biological family. Only to have the road detour. We went from having no luck with fertility treatments to the mother lode in an instant. A steroid shot for an unrelated eye infection triggered a massive egg drop. In a matter of hours we had to decide to cancel this last treatment or switch to IVF. We chose IVF and were on pins and needles as we waited to see if it worked. It worked and we were over the moon when we found out we were expecting triplets.

 

At 17 weeks, as I was preparing for my last week of work, our journey took another detour. Baby C’s water broke. After a week he still had a strong heart beat and had not made his arrival. I was sent home on bed rest while I waited to see a specialist in San Francisco. Only to go and find out it was too late, our baby would be born within a few days, or sooner. In fact, only minutes after we arrived home our son Jerrod was born. And there began the end of our joyous journey. We spent the next 15 days in the hospital fighting against my body, trying to keep our other son and daughter from being born. But even with the best efforts our journey ended at 21 weeks as the babies’ waters broke. I had to deliver, knowing that our son Dylan and daughter Joselynn would never take their first breaths. We were completely devastated and heartbroken over the loss of our three beautiful babies.
These bears were given to us by the nursing staff at the hospital after the loss of our triplets. So that our arms would never feel empty and that we would have a physical reminder that they were real. These bears still have the roses that we added to them almost 10 years ago at the babies memorial service. They have continued to grace our nursery shelves always looking down on their siblings.

How do you move on and start the rebuilding process after such a loss? For us it was just coming together and reconfirming that we did still wanted a family but that maybe it was time to go back to looking at adoption. I think the transition for us back to talking about adoption was quick because it was something already in our hearts from the beginning. I think that if you never considered adoption it can be a scary process after a loss, because the focus seems to go towards the negative. However, I’ve found that for people who were already thinking of it, the leap doesn’t seem as scary.

 

Eight months after the loss of our triplets we began the foster/adoption process. Which for us seemed like forever, although to some it might seem like an instant. Were we completely done grieving? No, but we were ready to take that next step. There will always be those who say, “it is to soon” and others who say, “you should have done it yesterday.” However, only you know when you are ready to take the next step and start on another bumpy journey.

 

From the beginning we asked ourselves, what were we looking for in a child? The decision was easy, we were going to leave it to the powers that be. We would welcome a boy or a girl, any race, age 0-4. The idea of adopting a special needs child was not really something on our radar. After what we had been through, we knew that you can’t predict what is going to happen, so why not just see what happened.

 

In total it took us nine months for us to complete the paperwork, training classes and home study process. Within days of completing everything and receiving our license, we brought home our oldest son, Dominic. The next October our son Timothy joined our family. Both of the boys were under a year old when they came home. Not yet feeling that our family was complete, our daughter Gabriella joined us a year later in June and two years later, our daughter Marissa became our fourth child. With the girls we were able to experience those baby moments as they were both just a few weeks old when they came home.

 

Our “miracle man” Zachary made his arrival less than a year after we brought Marissa home. Mind you, twelve years to the month after we started trying for a family.

 

One of the hardest things  throughout this process has been people making comments like, “now you have your baby,” “now your family is complete, you have your two boys and a girl like your triplets,” or “now you have your own.” We would get so angry that people would think that a child could replace another child and they all are ours. They might not all have been born into our family but they were born into our hearts. And for each there was and is blood, sweat, tears, and dreams that go into each day.

 

Stephanie, Jerry and their 5 children

Stop by next Tuesday for Stephanie’s 2nd part to this post:  Adopting special needs children.

23 Comments

  1. Wonderful story. What a beautiful family. 8 children! That’s amazing. And I can tell they are all very much loved. Thanks for sharing.

      1. I don’t think a lot of people understand, and that’s sad. But I have a strong belief in eternal families. It is my belief that you will see your three angels again some day, and your family rejoice and be whole :). I have some angels waiting for me. I like to think they were just too perfect.

  2. Wonderful post! So sorry for your loss. I truly am!
    I think adoption is wonderful and can’t wait to read more on this series. If the Lord leads us, we will adopt too one day.
    My godson and his sister were adopted and they are amazing and wonderful blessings to us all…
    I can’t imagine life without them!
    thank you for sharing….

    1. Steph and Jerry,

      We love you, we know your desire for children, we know you are phenominal parents and the kids are beautiful and great! Wonderfully written story.

  3. Such a beautiful story. I love that your attitude is that your children have not replaced your triplets – they ARE all yours. What a BEAUTIFUL family (all TEN of you!).

    And it is such a personal decision – thank you so much for pointing that out. We have two biological children (and have never have, nor expect to have, any kinds of fertility challenges – we plan to have several more later on) and yet we want to foster and adopt. Sometimes I feel selfish that I don’t want to just pop out baby after baby, because there are so many women who would kill for my fertility – but God has planted a sincere, powerful desire in me and my husband to foster and adopt, and we really feel like adoption is a calling for us, along with having biological children.

    I am so glad that you were able to have the family of your dreams – and I am sure those children are so blessed to be yours.

    1. Becca – THank you for your kind words. I think that you and your husband should follow your heart and if foster/adoption is important to both of you then go for it. Just because you could have more children and may doesn’t mean that there are not those children growing in your heart. For us that child in our heart started growing long before we knew that we would have fertility issues or go through our loss. I find that when it comes to my children my heart always wins.

  4. I appreciate this post more than you know. I lost a baby at 20 weeks in March and it was/is extremely painful. I would love to have another child either biological or through adoption. So wonderful to see that after pain there can be so much joy.

    1. Jennifer – I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Your grief is still new and it can feel over whelming somedays. But those days will space out and you it will not be as painful. You will figure out what is right for your family and follow your heart. There is a light at the end of the pain and I hope it will shine brightly for you and your family very soon.

  5. Stephanie, it was a joy to read your story. I have 8 children, four in heaven, three running around my living room, and one on the way. We’ve built our family through biological and foster to adopt also. I enjoyed reading your post and it resonated with my own heart story.

  6. Steph, You and Jerry have been through hell in back. I am so honored to be your sister. You make me so proud and you are a wonderful mother. We all know that you have your hands full and deal with all that very well. You are SUPER MOM!!!! You take on the world and succeed with flying colors. Love you all. Your little sister Jenny Ann.

  7. as I sit hear cying my eyes out, I want to thank you for sharing your story. My husband and I are foster parents and have adopted 2 boys. I have never lost any children, but I know that the pain must be extreme. You commented that it took you 9 months to go through all your paper work and it seemed like forever. I agree. Our paperwork took 5 months and it seemed like forever. now it seems like it was a breeze. We would like to add one or 2 more children to our family but have been waiting almost 2 and a half years. I am so discouraged and wonder if it is truly God’s will or my own. I guess we will have to wait and see. Thank you for sharing your story. I love hearing other’s stories. (and telling my own!) God bless!

    1. Melanie – Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. Your story touch a place in my heart because I know exactly how you are feeling. I think all of our children come when they are ment to. I’m not sure how you are a adopting domestic ot international but check in with the workers and see what is up and don’t be afraid to the stir the pot and make sure they have not let your file go to the bottom. Also, maybe relook at what you put on your list of what your next child might be like and see if it needs updating. I wish you and your family the best of luck and congrats on your boys.

      1. Stephanie-Thanks for the advice. I have been calling them every couple months. Recently there were a couple comments made and feelings were hurt. We have been praying about it and are thinking about changing agencies. It is a tough decision because we have been with this foster/adopt agency for 4 years. And we have made friends at this agency. but in my heart I know that it is time to move on. We will see what God has in store for us. :)

  8. Thank you so much for sharing your story. We have two babies in Heaven that were both stillborn. Our daughter in 2009 and a son in 2010. We also have a bio son who is 4 and are currently in the process to adopt from South Korea. I can completely identify with the statements that hurt and the other feelings. Sending you hugs from across the miles…to you and your whole family!

    1. Mattie – Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you the best on your adoption and that it goes quickly and smooth. May your angels always look down upon your son and your child of your heart when they come.

  9. Just finalized the adoption of our 2 foster children in July after 1 round of IVF, 6 rounds of IUI, one natural pregnancy resulting in 2 heaven bound babies. Our foster/adoption took 2 years through CPS so it will be a while before we consider it again, but it helps to know that there are others out there who’ve been through similar heartbreak and ended up with a joy only God could give.

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    1. Hi Samatha – THank you for sharing your story. Adopting through CPS is scary and the unknowns are many. Our first 3 adoptions each took a year so I can understand the frustration and have seen friends have adoptions take as long as yours. It amazes me that when I share our story with people how many have been through what we have and that we are not alone. I thank Jenae for giving us a chance to share our stories. Good luck to you and your family.

  10. This post brought tears to my eyes. I have been thinking a lot about our road to parenthood lately and remember our foster kiddos. To this day I still wonder if we are meant to only have boilogical children or if God has other plans for us.

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