A Lesson Learned: A Dream
God spoke to me in a dream this week.
No, not an audible voice. Not even with a clear direction or anything. He simply revealed to me a simple everyday scenario…an interaction, very similar to one that happened earlier in the week. But as I looked at myself in this scenario that was replayed in my mind with some alterations, I was an outsider looking in. I could clearly see the state of my heart in the way that I both interacted and reacted.
And it wasn’t pretty.
I woke up from my dream at about 5:15am…crying and disgusted with myself. I had never had a dream that had stirred such emotions in me…and I knew that it was God revealing to me some changes I needed to make. I immediately jotted down my feelings on the inside front cover of my Bible study.
It wasn’t as if I had done anything wrong in the dream…or even in real life. It was just that I reacted in a way that made me ashamed.
Ashamed at my selfish heart.
If motherhood has taught me anything about myself, it has shown me that I have to battle day after day with the selfishness that yearns to control me.
I want to be known as someone who thinks of herself last, always more focused on meeting the needs of others instead. This isn’t true for me right now…but with God’s help, I’m hoping this can change.
Since the dream earlier this week, God has been hard at work on this sinful heart of mine. I yearn for more of a closeness to Him…so close that I can’t stand not spending time in the Word or praying, because I know my relationship with Him will seep over into all my other relationships as well.
You know how you look at other people and sometimes you wish you could have their gifts (as I talked about in this post), I’ve actually found myself this week wishing that I struggled with different sins as well…sins that don’t require a complete heart transplant like my battle with selfishness will require.
Some people are probably wondering, “Why on earth are you sharing this for everyone to read? It kind of makes you look bad.”
Here’s the reason. This is my testimony. Anything good that comes from me isn’t because of me, it’s because of God. As I have painfully been made aware this week, I’m selfish and self-consumed when left to myself and my own strength. And every minute of the day, I must make a choice whether I’m going to let my sinful self win or whether I’m going allow God to work through me. And I’m typically not capable of making the latter choice without God’s help in the first place!
“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” -Psalm 51:10-12
I truly appreciate your transparency in this post. Although I’m not going through the same thing that you are at this point, I have been through this refining process many times. And I don’t think the Lord is done with me either. Seems like these difficult times are really very sweet times when the Lord draws us closer to Him. Your words brought tears to my eyes because I dread and long for those moments you describe equally. Praying for you as God does His work in you. :)
To be broken is such a scary but wonderful place to be. Kudos on being willing to be transparent for those of us who are also learning how to be in relationship with God. It’s refreshing to know that being real trumps being phony any day, even if it makes us look bad. I’ve enjoyed reading your posts as they so mirror my life- a former teacher who is raising two little boys, trying to live my life to please God. Thanks for sharing the road with me, even if it’s only on the internet! :)
I’m so glad you shared this with everyone. We all see things in ourselves that we don’t like or a realize we have veered from the path we know we should be on. It is hard to force your self to look at those things and verbalize them let alone post them on your website! Your refreshing honesty and open heart are some of the reasons I love your blog!
Thank you for this post! Motherhood has been revealing the exact same things for me.
I struggle with being selfish as well, but maybe in a more physical way. I often have trouble giving away what I like (chocolate I’ve hoarded, clothes , and other tokens that aren’t being used) and sharing/giving them to others. It takes a lot of effort to be thoughtful, but in the end it’s a characteristic that I would like to be known for. Every day we can strive to be a little bit better.
Thank You, I am in this place myself.
Thank you for your transparency! Comparison is a very hard thing for me that I am dealing with, and sometimes it is very easy for me to view the writers of the blogs I read as so far ahead of me spiritually and that they don’t deal with the things that I deal with-so a BIG THANK YOU for showing your heart and your brokenness, you ministered to my heart today!!
Thank yo so very much for sharing. Transplanting is difficult. Sin is wretched, and He will not be done until he has every bit of our heart – thank goodness. I relate to this particular post in so many ways, even the way the Lord spoke to you. It speaks to me loudly. Thank you again.
Thank you for your honesty. You put into words (beautifully-might I add) EXACTLY what’s going on with me as well!!! Girl, you are not alone!! But, through your words…..God is speaking to me! Thank you and may God send you grace and blessings as you journey on! :O)
Thank you Jenae. You have a beautiful heart and a wonderful character. It IS tough to be a wife and a mom and meet all of the expectations and demands and to do it selflessly and with joy. (long list, makes me tired). Again, thank you for sharing. As so many others have stated so welll, you are not alone. I’m praying for you. Have a GREAT mommy, wife, growing in the Lord day!
Thank you for sharing your heart!