A Lesson Learned: "Motherly" Judging
My mom has told me a story time and time again. It’s one that I’ve learned to appreciate now more than ever:
My parents were blessed with my oldest brother Brian. He was a relatively easy baby. As a toddler, he was very easy-going and obedient. He had a naturally compliant disposition. He had energy, but he could sit still if need be. Meanwhile, another couple at their church had a son the same age named Brian as well. This Brian, however, was wild! He had TONS of energy and ran around like he owned the place. Everyone thought his parents had no control over him. My mom distinctly remembers talking to my dad and saying, “Our children will NEVER act like that.” And then their second child was born…
My brother Chris loves life to the fullest. He is so fun to be around because he has natural charisma and a great sense of humor! As a toddler, he had LOTS and LOTS of energy.
My mom always says the moral of the story is…don’t judge or else you’ll be given a kid just like that! :)
This story is easy to laugh at, but it is all-too-familiar. I myself remember saying (prior to having children), “I will never do _____.” And even when we only had one child, I could sometime sit atop my high-horse and pass judgement.
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| Why yes, my children are tackling each other. |
God has humbled me these last 18 months by showing me that all children go through phases and various struggles. And all parents are imperfect. But the vast majority of parents genuinely care for their child(ren) and are doing the best that they can!
I too have been on the receiving end of judgements in regard to my children’s behavior. Even if it isn’t outright, but is implied by a snide comment…it is hurtful. Even if it isn’t spoken aloud, but typed…it is hurtful.
Being a parent is the hardest job I’ve ever had. It is the most draining and the most tiring (but also the most rewarding). My children are completely dependent on me and my husband for EVERYTHING. And I know I don’t get it all right. Yes, I should probably do a better job of making my kids sit still in church (or whatever it might be that I receive criticism for). But you know what, they are kids. This is a phase. Little Brother will get older and will sit more compliantly (when he is developmentally able to do so) . And…there’s an attended nursery right down the hallway for that very purpose!
We have enough battles…there are some things I choose to just “let go” so that I can instead focus on the real issues…the heart issues.
But what pains my heart is to see mothers judging and degrading each other because of very personal decisions they’ve made in parenting their children. Decisions like breastfeeding vs. bottle-feeding, discipline methods, public school vs. private school vs. homeschool, and television watching are all issues where we are tempted to make snap judgements based on our own personal experiences. But every person’s situation is unique! Every child is different. Every child has a different temperament…some are more naturally compliant and some are born strong-willed. Some are born completely healthy and some have special needs. Let’s not condemn a fellow mother in doing what she feels is best for her children…or perhaps simply what she’s doing to survive! Instead, let’s be an encouragement to one another!
I completely, 100% agree with you Jenae. Before I had kids, I always thought the parents were to blame for "busy children". Now I realize it has as much to do with the child's personality as anything.
We have a "busy" child. In a one hour span last week (typical day at our house, actually), she managed to write on the walls with a sharpie (I had my back turned for, oh, 3 seconds), while I was cleaning that up she decided to "make scrambled eggs" all over the floor; while I was cleaning that up, she got ice cream out of the freezer and started eating it; while I was putting that away, she took all her apple juice and "washed" the banisters with it. She's a beautiful, loving, well-disciplined child, but she has never been an easy baby, or easy child. I'm grateful for this, however, because the Lord has used my precious daughter as an example to not judge other parents. Motherhood is the hardest job in the entire world, and it doesn't come with a lot of encouragement. We need to be there to encourage others, and not put them down.
100% agree on parenting decisions as well. What works for one family does not always work for another family. I tell that that to all my friends seeking parenting advice. "I'll tell you what works for me, but you need to figure out what works for you."
Thanks for this post, Jenae. It's so important to not judge another family based on what works for us, or what kind of child we were blessed with.
I remember the first time I became that mother of a screaming child in a public place. M was somewhere around 18 months, and began asserting her will, and we happened to be in a Target. First she wanted out of the cart. Then back in. Then for me to hold her while she helped push the cart. Then back in. Then out. And then back in when I finally decided she was just going to have to scream the rest of the shopping trip. I finished the rest of the shopping in about 5 minutes, but they were some of the longest minutes of my life! People were giving me those looks. You know, the "Aren't you going to do something about your child?!" looks. I just kept on shopping like nothing was happening so I could get out of there quickly. It was from that moment on I decided I could never pass judgment on someone else when their child is behaving less than ideal!
Great and important post! I feel a lot like your mom with M being mostly compliant like Brian and Z having a bit more energy like Chris. I've grown a lot with having 2 kids with such different personalities! It really makes you stop and think about the nature/nurture discussion.
Natalie
I 100% love this post and can relate to every word! I have learned to eat my words and my moms too ha. Everytime she says that kid drives me Nuts one of mind ends up going through a phase doing just that.
Frugal Mama your comment above very much sounds like our days. It totally made me smile I can picture it so well. My very active little boy colored daddys tv purple the other day.
Great post!! And the greatest of these is LOVE:)
winner! something I think all mums can relate to! Rather than feeling insecure, feeling judged or feeling competitive with other mums, we need to band together to catch each other and support each- we all know the journey is long and hard and confusing! Thanks for voicing your thoughts.
My thoughts exactly. Thank you!
I LOVE this post! Thank you! I'm going to share on our blog so people can benefit from your wisdom! http://marcusandkara.blogspot.com
Thank you for this post. I can completely relate. I had a lot of those moments where I said….my kids are not going to do ______. Well needless to say, I was blessed with my son Alex who is full of energy out in public. But then I also have a daughter who is very calm in public. They are twins so it is just a matter of personality. This was a great post. – Neala
i needed this today! i am so tired of moms judging each other – we are all different & come from different backgrounds, are in different circumstances in life, and have very different little personalities at home. (for example, my husband & i were super shy, compliant babies/kids, and we currently have a very sweet but wild little girl on our hands. we're at a loss on how to deal with her energy, but do the best we can & love her a whole lot. and boy, do we ever cut other parents slack, especially when we see they are trying so hard with their kids!)
i think we could all stand to be a little more tolerant & loving of each other for even trying to be moms in the first place. :)
Love this post. :-) Love the scripture used to reiterate. May we be examples of gentle, kind, and Christ-like Mommas.
Thank you for the reminder that my beautiful energetic little 5YO is not the only strong willed but perfectly delightful child out there! I love him so deeply at times and then at other times I am more tested than ever before! Let's support each other as strong empowered vibrant women – there's too little of that around anymore! Hope you all have a scintillating day!
I just found your blog and I can't wait to read more. I am an early childhood education fighting to keep that world alive in 2nd grade. Just added your button to my blog. I would love it if you would do the same. I also am a new follower:)
☮Monica
The Schroeder Page
Yes, we have all been *that* Mama being judged… and *that* mama judging. Just last night, we were at a cookout and this little boy who was the same age as my youngest came up and hit her (theyare just babies so it's ok). I thought, Oh my daughter would never do that…. and (can you see where this is going???) my sweet little, innocent, angel of a daughter.. whacked that little boy upside the head… Sigh lol. *Judge not.. lest ye shall also be judged* has been in my head a lot lately lol.
Thank you for this post!! As my daughter has become a toddler she has become more and more active, to the point that she never even walks anymore, she runs everywhere, no matter if it's 2 feet away or down the aisle in the store when I let go of her for 1.5 seconds. It has been hard for me lately, especially at church (where 95% of the people are over 60 and we have no nursery) when I can't always keep her quiet or keep her sitting still, and I've been feeling like a failure. Thank you for reminding me that every child is unique and that the best I can do is all that I can do and not let other people's judgment deter me from loving and accepting my sweet girlie exactly how she is.