A Lesson Learned: Obedience…for his benefit, or mine?
We were graciously invited over for dinner by some sweet neighbors last week. As the kids were playing in the backyard after dinner, I noticed Big Brother throwing sticks. Here is how the situation escalated:
Me: Don’t throw that stick. You know you’re not supposed to throw sticks. (Side note: What is the deal with boys and sticks??? Seriously…I don’t get it.)
Big Brother: (Ignoring me and tossing the stick up and down)
Me: I told you to stop that. Come here right now.
Big Brother: (Still ignoring me and walking the other direction)
As you can imagine, I was livid by the time I went to get him. I could literally feel the blood bulging in my veins as I walked to get him and carry him to time-out. Not only had he blatantly ignored and disobeyed me…he embarrassed me in front of my sweet neighbors.
But upon further reflection of this increasingly common scenario, I had to ask myself a hard question:
Am I upset because he embarrassed me by making me look like a “bad mom” who can’t control her own kid??? Or is my heart genuinely grieved at the fact that he was being defiant…a character trait that is undesirable in every area of life.
How does it benefit him to obey my instruction? After a while, “because I told you so” just doesn’t work anymore.
The bottom line is: We want our children to obey our instruction so that they learn to obey God’s. If they can’t hear the spoken voices of Mommy and Daddy…how will they hear the silent voice of God within their hearts? How will they read the Bible and choose to be obedient?
And of course, we want them to learn to be respectful and submit to authority…which includes obedience.
So, yes I want both of our children to learn to obey. They must learn to obey…it is simply a part of life. But my first reaction towards his disobedience should be out of my heart’s desire for him to be obedient and respectful…not lashing out due to my own embarrassment of his defiant behavior.
With a long-term goal in mind (and my own pride set aside), I can handle the situation with more patience and wisdom…or at least I hope so. ;)
Nope, you are not alone. In fact, I'm dealing with this with my three year old. Good point about being embarrassed. I do get so embarrassed in public when he pitches a fit. But it's not about me, it's about my son's heart wanting to listen. Great stuff. I needed this today.
Nicole
Thank you! I always tell my daughter when she is being disciplined that she needs to obey us because then she obeys God. However, when reading your post, it struck me…yes, I want her to be obedient to God, but even though I say the right thing, in my heart, I am really wanting her to be obedient in that moment to save my embarrassment. Thank you for bringing this to my attention so that I can be praying that my heart will change.
This is what I'm struggling with in regards to our two year old. Even though we talk about how when we disobey Mommy and Daddy we are disobeying God, I am constantly having to ask myself if I am more upset about her sinning against me or against God. When I'm thinking about myself, I get upset and frustrated. When I remember that ultimately she is sinning against God and that she needs Jesus, my heart becomes tender and I pray that God would transform her heart to be like His. Thanks for your post! It's so good to know that I'm not alone :).
I love this post – I need that reminder constantly – WHY do I want my child to _(fill in the blank)_? Hard questions to ask, but usually pretty easy to answer.
I was curious if you have ever read "Preparing him for the Other Woman" by Sheri Rose Shepherd? I have really enjoyed it, and I think you would really like it if you haven't read it.
Thanks again for your nice post.
Absolutely not, as a matter of fact I just wrote a blog last night on how I am having issues finding a form of discipline that works with our little Monkey. Thank you for spelling out why our children need to learn to obey I have never thought of it like that before!!!
right there with ya!! love your posts!
Yes! This is constantly on my mind lately! I'm reading a great book called "Uprooting Anger" (Robert Jones) that explains what the criteria *really* need to be for so-called "righteous anger." It has opened my eyes to my sinful motivations regarding my anger ("frustration") toward my husband and kiddos!
My boy and other boys from church were just having a crazy of a time playing with sticks at church retreat couple days back. I was getting really worried for them, esp when they were using them to fight. Finally my boy (and seriously I don't know why he did) managed to convinced at least one boy to use the stick as fishing pole in an imaginary creek with them. =)
As for the embarassing part, I'm so with you….GREAT reminder!!
Ann
The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey Karp might really be of assistance.
My oldest just turned four and for whatever reason we had never written our family rules out and gone over them. We believe in discipline and teach it but had never written it out. I taught public school and now teach Sunday school so I know the importance of communicating the rules well, but somehow we had never written them out. So, I have been praying about it and finally last night we finalized our family rules with 3 simple rules and went over them with our son. This morning he broke a rule that he breaks constantly and I reminded him of last night, it finally clicked! He realized he had disobeyed. He went to timeout and after, when we were talking, he said "mom, I already break the rules?" He was so sincere and so concerned. It reminded me how often we as adults/parents fall short even though we know how to act we STILL sin and make mistakes. I am so thankful for God's grace and so thankful I was able to show my son some grace and let him know his mistake was in the past now and we are starting fresh…even if we have to start fresh SEVERAL times a day ;) (sorry I just had to share that today!)
Great post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. This is a great reminder for me. My son is only 10 months old but this is one of those things to store in my memory bank for when the moment arises.
I cannot even begint to tell you how needed this was. Our only is now 4 and is so unbelievably defiant that I feel like I spend my entire evening yelling at her. Her favorite word is "no" and her favorite phrase is "I not want you anymore"; neither of which are very appealing. While I can stand there and take her telling me she doesn't want me anymore, the defiance of "no" (only made better by saying "no thank you", apparently, that gets her off the hook), turns me red. Yesterday when I picked her up I prayed, I prayed again an hour later; I feel like I'm at my wit's end. But you make such a great point and one I'm going to have to look deep inside, I'm forwarding this to the husband. BTW, why didn't people warn me that this parenting job is extremely tough? :)
SO SO true! It seems I even discipline slightly differently depending on if someone is watching or not. Sad. Thank you for this insightful post. I've actually gained a lot from many of your "a lesson learned" posts. You are an incredible mother. You many enjoy this site: http://www.powerofmoms.com And no, it isn't my site and I'm not getting any kickbacks. I just really enjoy it and it seems like the type of site you would like as well!
Great Post Jenae! Thanks so much! My son is still three, but is the height of a 5yr old. People always think he is older than he is. So when he acts out in public I really want to tell everyone that he is younger than he looks. It is quite a lesson in humility.
I read a great book called "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood." Full of great techniques that (most of the time) take the stress out of those stressful moments.
Kristen, I really enjoyed that book. I actually did a review on it several months ago! https://www.icanteachmychild.com/2010/11/book-review-giveaway-love-and-logic.html
Kristen, I know exactly what you mean! I have a not-quite-3-year-old who is big and very verbal, so it's easy for people to think she is 4 or 5, not 2. Added to that is a baby brother in the mix, so I sometimes expect too much of her as the "big sister". Yikes! I need to lower my expectations a bit, but also remember WHY she needs to learn obedience – and it's not to please me and make my life easier!
I love this post. My parents are constantly complaining about my 5 year old boy not “doing as he is told”. Personally, I don’t want him to do as he is told or blindly follow orders. I want him to understand choices and consequences. How much abuse, hurt and harm has occurred because someone was following orders?