A Lesson Learned: Yelling
I never thought I would be a yeller.
I am soft spoken, after all. In fact, when salespeople call our house and I answer, they’ll sometimes ask to speak to my mom or dad. Umm…I am the mom. Thankyouverymuch.
My parents hardly ever yelled at me…which is a miracle, seeing that they had five children.
I don’t remember what exactly prompted the first time I yelled at Big Brother, but I do remember I was horrified with myself. I felt terrible. I bawled afterwards and kissed him a thousand times.
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” -Proverbs 15:1
The yelling seemed to come more frequently after the arrival of Little Brother. Much of my “great parenting” seemed to go down the drain about the same time, come to think of it. I was dealing with a case of baby blues with a brand new baby, a VERY active toddler, and a husband who was gone nearly every night finishing his Master’s degree. And we moved in the process (our choice…what were we thinking???).
Don’t get me wrong…I don’t yell at my kids all the time. But even once every now and then is too much if you ask me. Yelling isn’t helpful for anyone. Ever. (Unless, of course, you’re preventing an accident by getting your child’s attention.) It is hurtful and harmful to my children and myself. I feel lousy after I’ve yelled and I know my kids do too.
“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” -Ephesians 4:29 (NLT)
I’ve found that’s it gotten worse lately, especially when Big and Little fight. Little Brother makes this screeching cry/shrill whenever Big Brother takes something away, pushes him, or just does something he doesn’t like (yes, they really do love each other). That seems to be a major trigger.
The thing about yelling, though, is that the more you do it, the more of a habit it becomes.
And what’s the first step to overcoming any bad habit? Admitting you have a problem.
Hi. I’m Jenae and I’ve become a yeller.
(Hi Jenae…)
Anyway, I’ve shared my struggle this week with my husband a few close friends. One of my friends said she always prays before disciplining her children, which I thought was an excellent idea.
When I start to feel my blood pressure spike and my anxiety rise (at which I would normally adjust the volume of my voice to a crescendo), I’m going to pray. I’m going to take a second and just ask God to help me “deal” with the problem at hand in a calm, positive manner.
I actually tried this out for the last few days and it has REALLY helped. I didn’t even yell after our infamous Dillard’s trip!
You might be thinking to yourself, “Wow, I can’t believe she is posting this for the whole world to see…isn’t she ashamed and embarassed?”
Yes and Yes.
But here’s why I thought it was important that I share:
(1) Our sermon last week was on confessing our sins, faults, and shortcomings.
(2) If I type this out for all of you to read, I feel a little bit more accountable to following through with my “plan”.
(3) I would venture to guess that I’m not the only one who occasionally yells at her child(ren). I want to encourage other moms and dads struggling with the same area of weakness as I am. And if you don’t happen to struggle with this ever, good for you…give yourself a pat on the back!
And in case you’re wondering…I included the gerber daisy picture at the top because (a) they’re beautiful, (b) Prince Charming and Big Brother picked them out for me at the grocery store, and (c) they are (yell)ow. :)
Thank you for this. I have found my patience short and my voice louder as well lately. I think I will print a couple of these bible verses and post them on my computer so that I see them often.
Thanks for sharing this…i feel so bad when i yell at my lil guy. I know it does nothing but scare him and does not help the situation. I hate thinking that by my yelling he will think that it is an acceptable way of solving problems, i dont want that to be a trait he has as he becomes a man. Sometimes when i feel a yell coming on i say in my head or out loud, ” slow to anger, rich in kindness, loving and forgiving are you “it has definitely helped! Praying for your strength to break the habit!
Perfect timing. I just arrived home from leaving a potluck early and managed to yell only once on the drive home. I realized I had disrespected my daughter my expecting her to play nice when the normal schedule is lunch and nap time. Thank you for the inspirations.
Thank you for sharing! See! You definitely are not alone. I have two that are doorsteps and I’ve found when the bickering starts and they get loud…I do too! Thanks for the ideas and the post!
My yelling has dramatically increased in the last six months and it makes me feel like an awful person every.time. I see the look on my kids’ faces and it is horrible!!! I need to make a big change too. Because it has become a reflex of sorts. :(
Hi Jenae…My name is Stacee and I’m a fellow yeller from back in the day. This is something that my parents used along with a good booty “Whooping” on a regular basis. My husband and I agreed that we would try not to spank unless it was an extreme situation. Proud to say that with my Big Brownie being 4 and Little Brownie being almost 3, I’ve yet to raise my hand. However, sometimes that leaves me to raise my voice.
A discipline that I have adopted is “the ugly voice”. Many times, when I feel my pressure rise, I explain in a calm voice what I would like to happen. If the Brownies are not being “good listeners” then I further explain that if they don’t comply, I will have to use my ugly voice. My ugly voice is a stern, low and serious voice. It is projected loudly, but it is very much paid attention to. I give them the choice now to comply in my normal voice, or comply with my ugly voice. The ugly voice works 98% of the time if needed. We do other techniques like “Think about it chair” and if they are completely irrational, they have to go to their rooms until they have calmed down.
I have tried to teach them techniques to handle anger as well that works for me…which are to take a deep breath and calm down before we speak. We always ask for forgiveness when we have wronged or harmed our brother or parent. And we as parents, ask for forgiveness when we do lose our temper and yell. It helps them to know that we too make mistakes and we do take responsibility when we are wrong. I remember the first time I yelled at my Big Brownie. He was 19 months old. Afterwards, I couldn’t make it through bedtime for apologizing and crying my eyes out. I find comfort in God’s word as well in these times of strife. These are just a few of the verses that help me through the day and in disciplining my boys. Thank you for your openness and willingness to be honest and inspiring.
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
thank you for sharing this. especially since a-our church was canceled today because of hurricane irene and b-i have been really really struggling with this lately. I actually am kind of at my wit’s end. I used to have a pretty good handle on discipline and my kids were goodlisteners…and lately, not so much and it is horrible, that I escalate to yelling and that is when they listen. anyway, i need to rethink things and thank you for reminding me to pray before I discipline. thank you. for sharing and being honest
Thanks for being so truthful! I feel the same way after baby #2 turned about 6 months old. I hate yelling or getting angry, especially over the little things. Will try out the prayers before!
Thank you so much for this! Thank you for the reminder of prayer – pray before I react, Definite must! Thank you! :)
Thanks for this post. I became a yeller at #1 when pregnant with #2. It was not pretty and although it’s not currently as bad as it was, it’s certainly not pretty still. I am currently pregnant with #3 who is set to arrive at the end of October and #1 will have just turned 3. #2 will turn 2 in January, so as you can see, our kids are pretty close together which is making it tough. These “terrible twos” just bring out the worst in all of us. This is, surprisingly, what my pastor talked about today in some ways–parenting. I took some notes and hope to put them into action–especially dealing with discipline. Anyway, just wanted to share that you’re not the only one and I too need to work on this yucky habit.
This is excellent advice. I have a four year old (very ornery) son and a one year old (very active, climbing everything) daughter who fill me with joy. However, around the time the baby came along, my heretofore limitless patience seemed to hit…a limit. I’m not sure what it is – the noise level? The fact that brother pushes sister down all the time? Sister tackling brother, getting hurt and then crying 65 times per day? Whatever it is that’s pushing my buttons, I don’t like who I am when I lose it that way, and I DO NOT want my children to remember an angry mama. I’m going to try not just taking a deep breath when I’m feeling overwhelmed, but talking to God and asking for patience in that moment. It only takes a breath, and I can certainly spare that.
Thank you so much for posting this! What a wonderful Mommy and you clearly LOVE your babies! I too have stuggled with this at times. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for this post. I’m glad I’m not the only one disgusted by even occasionally yelling at her children. I love the idea of praying before disciplining. After all, who knows better about everything than Him. I’m going to try it.
I think I could have written your post verbatum. Thanks having courage. Hi, I’m Joy, and I, too, have become a yeller, which I can’t stand. I, too, have been working on it and praying about it and also trying to memorize scripture with the fruits of the Spirit (you know, so I can be a little more like HIM!). Mine really seemed to escalate once I became pregnant with #2, who is due in a few weeks. I don’t like who I am when I get like that and am glad to know I’m not the only one! LOL!! Blessings on your overcoming this struggle!
Thank You for the reminder; it cannot be mentioned enough! Personally, I have never been a very soft-spoken person, and I come from a family of yellers, so…I catch myself shouting at my girls all the time and I. Hate. It. But when I remember to invite the Holy Spirit into those moments that I would typically yell, each time they happen, guess what? There He is, in peace and patience, faithfulness, gentleness, goodness, kidness, self-control and LOVE. And what comes out is not an outburst of anger (which is included in the list in Galatians 5, right along with idolatry, sorcery and jealousy – yikes!), but those very fruits. It shouldn’t surprise me, but it does, every time (every time I remember, that is!), and the result is a Spiritual softening of all three of us. <3
Thanks again for this post today, God bless you!
Thank you for sharing! I actually just printed out the Ephesians 4:29 verse a couple of days ago for my 4 year old to memorize as he has been resorting to mean words lately when things don’t go his way. But, it is certainly a good reminder for me as well. Deep breaths, grace and prayer!
Oh, Jenae, it’s like you took the words RIGHT out of my mouth! Your confession alone inspires me to be a better mom too! Thank you for your honesty.
Beautiful post… I do the same thing… I try to pray when I feel anger coming on. Sometimes the prayer works and I will admit often I still end up yelling. It is something I work on daily to not do. I loved your honesty. Thanks for sharing…
I once heard a speaker say that you should never, ever yell at a child. At that point, I remember thinking, “oops, too late!” But what she said next changed my approach to parenting: When a child gets yelled at, he/she learns that this what anger looks like, that this must be what I should do when I’m angry. W.o.W.
I’m not saying I never yelled again, but I will say that it’s given me pause more than a time or two. But hey, who couldn’t stand to pause now and again?
Great post, Jenae!
I am a yeller….. and I never thought I’d be one either. Thank you for posting this.
I needed to hear (read) this as well. I’ve been short with my son (3yo) since my lack of sleep with my 6 month old. It’s hard. But no reason to yell.
Nicole
I too struggle with this, and this week was the “breaking point” and I also admitted to my husband and my mom how bad it is. It is reflex now (I have three kids six and under) and it’s so terrible. My mom gave the advice to be sure we are getting the alone time we need in a day. I was counting nursing my baby as alone time…mmmm doesn’t cut it. Somedays it will be like that, however we need make sure that’s the exception.
Thanks for posting this.
And I love your blog!
: )
I too, could have written this post verbatim. And the worst part is, that i have always been aware that yelling teaches your child to yell, and how NOT to handle your emotions. And with my oldest, yelling at him is simply a “call to battle” and he just raises his voice and everything just escalates to the point of an entire day ruined.
Thank you for the timely post. Havent been feeling to great about my parenting skills this week. Nice to hear others struggling with the same issue.
Brave and helpful. Thank you.
Thank you so much for writing this. I feel that my yelling has become far too frequent lately, and I pray every morning for patience, but I know that praying in the moment will help me so much more. Thanks for your courage and your example.
I like your blog….Thanks for posting this.
Love your suggestion to pray on it…I think that will grab my children’s attention….if I break out in prayer wherever we are when the yelling begins….although I have to admit, I think it will improve as soon as they head back to school…then I will rely more on taking a deep cleansing breath before (and possibly during) dealing with yelling episode.
Thank you for posting. When our 3 older children were young, I yelled a lot!! Until I got born again, that is!! But, I still did yell, only after receiving Jesus as my Lord, I knew that I could go to Him for help!! Now, we have a 4 year old daughter, adopted from Taiwan, and, I have (most times) developed more patience with her. We never thought we would ever be adopting a child,BUT, God knit our hearts with hers!!! He has a way of doing that!!! Mike and I find ourselves much more patient than we ever used to be!!!! With His help, we can be the parents He wants us be!!!
I appreciate your post and openness to admit your short comings!!! May the Lord Bless you for your honesty!!!!!
Thank you for the post! I too feel guilt, shame & horror whenever I slip up and blow up at my 2 year old & 3 year old. I try so hard to be a Love & Logic, patient parent and then sometimes it just bubbles up and I turn into a volcano! Nice to not be alone… and to get some great, practical advice. When I feel my temper rising, I’m going to take a mommy “time-out” and pray before doing or saying ANYTHING.
Hi. My name is Tabitha and I am a yeller.
My mother was a rageaholic. I love her tremendously but the role model she gave me has been a difficult image to shake as I deal with four children daily. I often feel the same guilt and grief that you have expressed here when Mount Momma blows.
Some days, everything is fine. Some days, I feel like I never stop.
The strange thing… the more I yell, the less they listen.
{{HUGS}} to you, Jenae. I understand and appreciate your transparency. May God bind both our tongues as we show grace to our children even in the most difficult moments.
Thank you for sharing such an encouraging post. I too, struggle with yelling at my kids. And most of the time it has become such a habit that I don’t even notice I am doing it. I also grew up with a yelling mother. Sometimes I feel like I have so many daunting tasks at hand but I don’t get many of them done because I am consistently disciplining. When, in reality, this is my first ministry: to properly train and educate my children. Every week my children and I memorize a new Bible verse. The verses you posted are perfect for us! We are going to learn Proverbs 15:1 this week and Ephesians 4:29 next week. A start to learning how to speak to one another is a great way to begin our school year! Thanks again for your blog!
Thank you for sharing! I have just found your blog site last week and have loved it. I also have two boys about the same ages as yours, my husband is very busy with his work and we just moved as well. I understand the stress level and how easy the frustration builds. Likewise God has been working on my heart. Thanks again for sharing! It is an encouragement
I too used to be a yeller. The turning point for me to really focus on NOT yelling was when my 5 year old daughter brought me a picture that she drew for me. It was a pretty picture of a girl standing outside with a rainbow and sun and trees and grass. It said “I heart mommy” on the top and “evin wen yur mad I heart Mommy” (even when you’re mad, I heart Mommy) on the bottom. It brought me to tears and I vowed from then on that I would not let my girls think of me as a “mad” mommy ever again.
I have adopted a principle that Michelle Duggar uses, and that is, when you feel your blood pressure begin to rise and feel like you’re going to yell, lower your voice instead, to a whisper. The kids actually listen better because they have to stop whatever they’re doing (yelling, screaming, etc) to hear what you’re saying. And of course, if you find yourself yelling, pray about it, and then go ask your child for forgiveness. Explain to them that even mommies and daddies make mistakes but that God wants us to ask forgiveness from those we have wronged. It’s an important lesson for the children to see that everyone messes up and that we need to ask for forgiveness.
I appreciate you bearing your heart and soul for all to read. I’ve caught myself doing the same thing now that I have two boys. We moved a few weeks after baby #2 was born, and that was super stressful. It’s easy to lose your cool! You’ve helped me today and for years to come.
Thank you so much for sharing this. You are 100% correct when you say this is a habit. I am a reformed yeller. I was more of a yeller with #1 & #2. But now with 5, practicing patience is a priority in my life. I’ve been to lots (and lots) of Early Child and Education classes (because it is fun to spend time there with little ones)and this of course has been a big topic. So I will share with you things I have learned and practice.
1. You yell, you are raising yellers. Kids take direction from your behavior. If you want them to learn not to yell at each other (and eventually you) you will need to correct your own behavior to match what you want for them.
2. Sometimes talking softer is actually better. Kids will stop doing what they are doing, because they will need to if they want to hear you. This does not always work, but I have had it work on occasions (much to my surprise!)
3. Pick your battles. I do yell on occasion. Maybe once a month or less. And believe me when I do, kids listen! I save my yellings for times when the situation needs an extra punch. (Sometimes I yell because I’m just plain mad. I’m not perfect. But it is definitely shocking to the kids now.)
4. It’s okay for Mommy to have a time out. If I’m extremely angry and need to compose myself, I will take a minute to do so.
5. Separate kids that are fighting. Siblings do not have to play with each other every minute of the day. As much as we love each other, sometimes you just need a break from each other. Siblings feel that too.
Good for you for recognizing the problem and trying to solve it. That’s the mark of a good mommy!
Thanks for all the other tips, Claire!
Thank you for posting this :) It’s a wonderful reminder that we are all human, and that I am not the only one!! Also I love your new plan for praying before you discipline!
I have been struggling with this for a while. I used to b a director of a childcare (but now at home to raise my kids) I would tell the teachers that when the children fight or misbehave stop them, time out and then pray with the child and ask God to help him/her to stop the behavior. It helped alot. I have forgotten this until I read ur post. I am yelling alot lately and yes I need to pray but I also think that it is important for the children to pray also. :) thanks for the reminder!
I am posting the Bible verses in my home too! I am going to try to move them to a different place each week so that I do not over look them. As I do the dust and durt. hehe. but that is a different story. lol
I am struggling with this too. I have 4 kids under 6. I feel so bad. I feel so ashame at myself for not being gentle and letting my emotions get in the way… I had to read AGAIN the book Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, last night. I love this book, it helps me put things in perspective and I guess I am a work in progress… Thank goodness for God’s mercy and grace…
Thanks for being an honest mommy.
Thanks Jeanette! I’m going to have to look for that book…it sounds like a great one!
It doesn’t matter how many wonderful things I do for my kids or how many times friends/family members call me a “super mom” when I yell at my kids I feel like the worst mother ever! I know that’s not true of course, but I still feel that way. Thanks for sharing your experience. Reading through the other comments, my own included, you are definitely not alone! I will try to put prayer into action to help me with this too.
Very timely. I’ve been feeling so awful about yelling. Not sure how I ever got into that habit but I will remember these verses and post them on my mirror for a morning refresher. Thanks for holding yourself accountable and in the process convicting a lot of others. I feel your pain, I’ll be praying we both learn this quickly.
This is a beautiful post because it’s so true for so many of us. I yell at my oldest occasionally too, and I feels awful afterward! It can be so stressful when you’re trying to get things done or don’t have the option of a break, and your child is trying your patience.
I’ve found it helpful to focus on my state of mind, since it’s when I’m tired & stressed that I get annoyed and subsequently yell. I’ve been trying to take more breaks during the day and go easier on myself about the housework and food prep. That is useful as well as prayer in the tough moments. Realistically, no parent is perfect.
I’m going through that exact same thing right now.
I have noticed that my problem started once my second was born. I’m an only child and I’m not use to loudness or chaos.
Also, when I get one situated another one needs me. It’s hard to adjust to be needed 24/7 and then having all your needs go unmet. I’m definitely struggling in this area.